Yes, Please. I’d Love Some…

Matt Cassel - QB Kansas City Chiefs

Make no mistake, the Chiefs are going to get blown out. It won’t even be close. But that’s why I love Cassel this week. The Chiefs will be chucking the ball downfield in a desperate attempt to catch up for at least two quarters and every once in a while Cassel will have enough time to get off a good ball. And when he does, look for a healthy Dwayne Bowe to be on the receiving end, reminding us all why we drafted him so highly. But when he’s running for his life he may find a few guys wearing the wrong jersey, so keep that in mind. Week 5 Scoutlook: 275 yds passing, 3 TDs, 2 INT, ? yds rushing (sorry, I’m not even going to pretend I can predict rushing yards for a QB)

Clinton Portis - RB Washington Redskins

Last week, in his infinite wisdom, Jim Zorn finally decided to give Clinton Portis more than 20 carries. And would ya look at that, they won! If Zorn’s memory doesn’t fail him (and it might), look for Portis to receive at least 20-25 carries. Against a weak Panthers run defense, that should be more than enough for Portis to finally break the century mark. Week 5 Scoutlook: 23 rushes for 135 yds, 1 TD, 2 receptions for 15 yds.

DeSean Jackson - WR Philadelphia Eagles

Ok, not exactly a deep sleeper pick, but I should be allowed at least one easy one right? If McNabb is healthy (and the fact that he’s practicing says he is) Jackson will absolutely torch the Bucs. I see him hauling in a minimum of two or three deep balls, not to mention what he’ll do if he gets some space underneath. Week 5 Scoutlook: 7 receptions for 130 yds, 2 TDs.

Vernon Davis - TE San Fransisco 49ers

“No Mrs. Brick, I didn’t copy off Adam’s paper…I don’t know how we came up with the same pick, I guess we just think alike…He’s scored 3 TDs in two weeks!…No, I don’t even know what plagiarism means…I never said you had VD!…Whatever I’m gonna drop out and be a freelance sportswriter, you’ll see!” Week 5 Scoutlook: 5 receptions for 75 yards, 1 TD.

Carolina Panthers - DEF

I know I said Clinton Portis would have a big day against Carolina, but that won’t make the Redskins passing attack any less anemic. Until they can protect Campbell in the pocket and find a better number two wide-out than Malcolm Kelly, the Skins will be a turnover machine. One of those turnovers will probably go the other way for 6. Week 5 Scoutlook: 17 points allowed, 3 sacks, 2 INT, 1 forced fumble, 1 TD.

No, Thanks. I’ll Pass…

Kyle Orton – QB Denver Broncos

Remember the Patriots? If not, you will this week. It’s time for the Dyna-Saur that is New England to remind us of what they’re capable of. In the process, they’ll also remind us that Kyle Orton is…well…Kyle Orton. Week 5 Scoutlook: 155 yds passing, 0 TDs, 2 INT.

Ronnie Brown – RB Miami Dolphins

Through the first three weeks, Rex Ryan had the Jets D playing like the Ravens unit he helped build. Then they ran into the Saints who seem to be able to move the ball at will, whether Drew Brees is on the same page or not. Look for New York to bounce back this week and shut down the overachieving Brown. Week 5 Scoutlook: 19 rushes for 60 yards, 0 TDs.

Terrell Owens - WR Buffalo Bills

The T.O. show has moved to Buffalo and no one seems to care. Trent Edwards is as fed up with his antics as the rest of us. The disharmony he creates in the locker room will continue to spill out on to the field, even against the Browns. In addition, the Bills should be able to put Cleveland away on the ground anyway. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Edwards actually ignore T.O. this week as much as T.O. thinks he’s been ignoring him in the past. I know I wish I could. Week 5 Scoutlook: 2 receptions for 35 yds, 0 TDs.

John Carlson – TE Seattle Seahawks

If Hasselbeck can’t go Seneca Wallace will once again get the start for Seattle. And there goes Carlson’s value. I wouldn’t even trust Seneca Wallace to hit Megatron in the end-zone. And I’m talking about the actual Megatron, the Transformer. Until Hasselbeck is back, steer clear of Carlson. Week 5 Scoutlook: 2 receptions for 20 yds, 0 TDs.

Denver Broncos - Defense

Remember a little while ago when I was talking about the Patriots? If not, you must have gotten distracted by Tom Brady’s Super Bowl bling. It’s understandable, so here’s a refresher. Patriots>Broncos. That should do it. Week 5 Scoutlook: 34 pts allowed, 1 sack, 1 INT.

Yesterday my beloved Washington Redskins made NFL history by ending the second longest losing streak in NFL history.  The over-hyped, over-paid, and under-coached Redskins were held scoreless in the first half by a defense that had allowed a combined 72 points over their first two games.  The Skins did score two second half touchdowns but never lead once.  Highly paid corners like DeAngelo Hall ($5 million in 2009), Fred Smoot ($2.7 million), and Carlos Rodgers ($1.4 million) were repeatedly burnt by a rookie quarterback and the lesser of two Johnsons.  Matthew Stafford and Bryant Johnson hooked up four times at 18.3 yards per catch, including an acrobatic 21 yard touchdown reception over Carlos Rodgers with 1:20 left in the 1^st quarter.  By the way, it takes a big man not to laugh at statements like “the lesser of two Johnsons” and the thought of Matt Stafford and Bryant Johnson’s acrobatic hookup.  I am not that man.

In addition to not being able to cover the Lion’s second best receiver, the Redskins were unable to pressure the quarterback and incapable of stopping the run.  Although he did manage one sack, hundred million dollar man, Albert Haynesworth spent more time doubled over struggling for breath than on the field making plays.  That sack was one of Haynesworth’s two tackles on the day.  Second year running back Kevin Smith was averaging 6.3 yards per carry before leaving with an injured shoulder.  The Lions who averaged 248 offensive yards per game going in to Sunday’s contest, moved the ball at will, racking up 381 yards.  The Redskins defense was flat out dominated.

That being said, the Skins still should have won that game.  Quarterback Jason Campbell did everything in his power to keep his team in the game.  Campbell went 27 of 41 for 340 yards, two touchdowns, and only one interception.  His quarterback rating was 97.6.  He accomplished all this despite the lackluster performance of a makeshift offensive line including Chad Rinehart and Stephon Heyer.  Clinton Portis didn’t offer much help with 42 yards but was only called on 12 times, which finally brings me to my point.  Jim Zorn is a moron.  Against a team that had previously allowed 157 and 112 yards on the ground, how could you hand the ball off to your 1500 yard work horse only 12 times?  When a team runs the ball 14 times and throws it 41 it’s not that hard to figure out how to defend them.  In addition to the obviously unbalanced offensive play-calling, Zorn’s decision making was unbelievably bad.  For the second week in a row, Zorn went for it on 4^th and goal, and again the Redskins fell short.  This time the decision came in the first quarter, at the end of a brilliant drive, when a field goal would have given them the lead.  Who forgoes guaranteed points and rolls the dice IN THE FIRST QUARTER?!  Despite the Redskins supposedly superior talent on the field this game was close enough that it came down to clutch play-calling and Jim Zorn was out-coached by Lion’s head coach Jim Schwartz.  The Redskins went 2 for 10 on 3^rd down as they awkwardly failed to execute screens and draws that were doomed from the start.  Meanwhile the Lions went 10 for 18 with newfound gunslinger Matt Stafford looking like Tom Brady.

Jim Zorn should be fired this week, but he won’t be.  The Redskins can’t fire him.  He is the head coach, offensive coordinator, and quarterbacks coach, and there is no one to replace him.  So until the off-season when we can give someone like Mike Shanahan or Bill Cowher a billion dollars to try and right this ship, we’re stuck with him.  But this is D.C., and in D.C. when something goes this wrong, we expect someone to be made an example of.  So if we can’t fire the guy who screwed up, then logically we should fire the guy who hired him.  Unfortunately he owns the team, and in D.C. you can impeach the president but not Dan Snyder.

Snyder has more money than god and has decided to run one of the most prestigious franchises in the NFL like his own personal fantasy team.  There is absolutely nothing we can do about it.  We will never stop going to games, and we will never stop paying $50 to park and $8 for a beer.  Until we do the Skins will continue to be the 2^nd most profitable team in the NFL and Dan Snyder will feel vindicated.  All we can do is reach out to him.  We have to plead with him to admit that Vinny Cerrato is a puppet and cut the strings.  Dan Snyder is a rich geek who knows less about football than anyone reading this story.  Do you know how many offensive linemen we have drafted in the last ten years?  Two.  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!  How is it possible that we could trade a 2^nd round pick for Jason Taylor and let him walk after one mediocre season?  How could we make Seattle’s quarterbacks coach our head coach without ever even being a coordinator at the professional level?  How could we overlook Greg Williams, a man who had our defense playing at its highest level in years and had earned the respect of every player in the locker room as well as hall of fame predecessor Joe Gibbs?  I’m sorry Dan; you have no idea what you are doing.  Bill Parcells cleaned house in Miami and had them in the playoffs a year after finishing in last place.  Please take a cue from the Dolphins organization and hand the team over to someone who knows the game.   Then you can sit back, count your money, and have even more time to party with TomKat.